Your Middle Schooler and You – Why You’re F%$*(@#&!


Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy… I am rubbing my hands together with unsuppressed glee. Today I get to cover parenting advice for the middle and high school years. This is the time in your kid’s life where they are most likely to be strangled by you or perhaps offered up to a passing chain gang. If you can survive ages 12-18, it makes the rest of your life look like a damn walk in the park.

Middle School

Remember Billy and Mary, the former genius kindergarteners from yesterday’s blog? By the time middle school rolls around, they have become pot heads and spend most of their time trying to be as big of an asshole as their stupid parents. Because of those kings of assholery, your kid will be miserable for a couple of more years. Middle school is like a god damn shark tank and your kid is probably the biggest piece of chum those fuckers have ever seen. Just make sure your kid knows how to spot those sharks and how not to become a remora or a stupid pilot fish.

Middle schoolers are Jekyll and Hyde beings. One minute they will want to climb into your lap and be hugged like a little kid. And then in the next minute they’ll turn around and rip out your fucking throat with their teeth if you try and talk to them about what is bothering them. They still want help with their homework, but will beat you with that damn textbook if you can’t do that quantum physics problem just like their teacher did on the board. It’s maddening. I recommend strongly daily partaking of the juice of the fermented grape. Some days you may need something stronger and illegal but that’s your call. No judging here.

It really cracks me up when I hear parent’s talk about something called “privacy” in reference to their kid. In my world, they don’t GET to have privacy until they move the fuck out. You want a facebook/instagram/vine/snapchat, kid? Sure, but you have to friend me and I get all the passwords. Cell phone? Okay, but I reserve the right to read all of your texts. You don’t like my rules? Tough beans. This isn’t helicopter parenting; it’s stealth parenting because they eventually forget that you have access to everything if you keep your yap shut and don’t post anything on their little social media lives. It also has the advantage of letting you know exactly what their little creep friends are up to. I also recommend chaperoning field trips and stuff because if you listen to the convos on the bus, you learn a lot of good shit. It’s like they just sort of forget you are there and keep yakking about how Billy and Mary almost “did it” and the party at Susy’s where they broke into her parents liquor cabinet. Very informative stuff.

I have one sort of serious piece of advice for parenting a middle school kid. Let them fail. Yes, fail… as in do not save them from themselves. Grades from middle school DO NOT count for college admission. These are the years that they need to figure shit out for themselves. Like when to study, when to play, all that “life” stuff. Unless, of course, you fully intend on holding their hand all through high school and college. Not that I don’t mean you shouldn’t give them a swift kick in the britches for fucking around and not studying, but they gotta learn to figure out how and when to get that work done without you scheduling it for them. If they forget their homework, don’t take it up to the school. Let them deal with the teacher and the consequences.

I was going to tackle the high school years today too, but this is getting long and I know I have other shit to do. My college kids are coming home this weekend and I haven’t seen Twin B in six weeks. I figure I’d better at least do some damn laundry so that she can have clean sheets on her bed here at home. I’m fairly certain that the sheets she has on her bed at school are probably ready to get up and walk to the washer themselves. That’s her problem though. Because I’m not a helicopter parent, I don’t know and I don’t care. See how my plan worked?

Peace and One Love until tomorrow…



I’d personally give this an A+ for creativity. This teacher had no sense of humor.

10 thoughts on “Your Middle Schooler and You – Why You’re F%$*(@#&!

  1. Ha! This is scary funny; scary because it’s all true. I have a pet theory that, between the ages of 8 and whenever they pull their heads out of their asses and realize Mom was right the whole time, kids are replaced in the night by asshole alien podpeople. It’s the only explanation that fits. Luckily I survived my son and he has survived me; he will be 25 next week and we get along well now, but I have to confess there were nights I sat on his bedside while he was sleeping with a glass of fermented grapes in one hand and a pillow in the other. LOL I credit the grapes for my marvelous restraint. I would wonder where my real child was and when he would be back. Thanks for the laughs, and my condolences to those of you who are still being forced to deal with the podpeople.

  2. I have a daughter middle schooler..she is driving me nuts..Some days I wonder if I’m going to make it..thanks for the laugh!

  3. Gawd, I love it. Thanks, girl! I’ve got a freshman in college, a senior in HS and one little ol’ middle schooler left who is trying to put me in the nuthouse. I shall be imbibing in the juice of fermented grape tonight, to be sure. Right after I tell him to ask his father about that quantum physics shit, b/c I can’t even do fractions anymore.

  4. OMG — So true, so true, so true!!!!!! Every line! Especially the part about being in every part of their life — real and virtual — and then staying quiet — they WILL forget you’re there, and you will know EVERYTHING. Did it myself, and am still doing it with the high schooler (the other one has headed off to college). ALSO — so very, very important to let them fail. Hard, but necessary. THANK YOU FOR PUTTING THIS IN WRITING!

      • I would totally buy that book! We are in the thick of it all with a 14 year old and an 11 year old…neither of are sure if we will survive the next 4 to 7 years! Kudos to you for getting two off to college *raises glass*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s