The Beast in my Walls

Whatever the hell is living in the walls of my house is back from vacation.

I’ve heard his long, sharp talons above my head the last two nights. It’s like Freddy Krueger because every time I start to fall asleep, he starts up with the racket. I know it’s not just me and that I’ve somehow developed some auditory hallucinations because I belted Hubs awake to hear it too.

People have told me it probably squirrels. That’s total bullshit unless it’s a really smart squirrel that has an army equipped with jackhammers. I’m telling you, friends and neighbors, it’s loud and it’s proud.

Last night that fucker started up his noise around 11:30. This time I was by god Boy Scout prepared. I jammed my slippers on my feet, grabbed the flashlight, and ran outside to see if I could catch the little beady-eyed fucker on my roof or something. All I got for my pre-midnight dash was wet slippers. No sign of him. By the noise he makes I’d think there was a 12 ft hole in my siding, but no… he’s like a ghost. He appears and disappears. He could at least man up and stay and fight.

So I went back inside and listened some more. It sounded like the fucking varmit Olympics up there. I went to get the sledgehammer to fix my little problem, but hubs objected. Leave it to him to be all rational and shit. I climbed back in the bed and listened to that varmint for a while more and decided that it couldn’t be a rodent, because it was too loud. I came up with a list of possible offenders:

  • Baby Sasquatch
  • Enormous Raccoon
  • Mutant Possum
  • Mountain Lion
  • Mike Tyson

I’m going with mountain lion because if I have to have an invader, I think a mountain lion would be a worthy opponent. The noises seem on target from my extensive two minute research on mountain lions. Besides, I think Mike Tyson is in prison somewhere and Sasquatch lives in the northwest, or they would be serious contenders.

I think I’d better figure out which beast it is up there before my ceiling caves in… is that covered by insurance? If it is, that bastard can chew away. I need new carpet.


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6 thoughts on “The Beast in my Walls

  1. I’m going to offer bats. And by the way, if it is, you can’t kill them, you must re-locate them. Find them a nice new residence and pray they stay-they’re kind of like kids in that respect, as they keep wanting to come home.

    Sleep with a tennis racket. Good luck….Linda

    • Relocate them? Like to somebody-who-I-don’t-like’s residence? I have a long list of people that are assholes and deserve bats in their house. I hate bats btw… one of my few true phobias. I’d rather have a mountain lion or six than one damn BAT.

  2. I’m gonna go with squirrel. Had them in my attic once. Little asses chewed on some of the heating apparatus and the whole thing had to be replaced. The hvac guy even found some singed hair. That made me feel a little better.

  3. Have Hubs go up into the attic and stand guard with your shotgun while you sleep blissfully unaware with ear plugs securely inserted. He’s da man, let him hunt them down & ELIMINATE their sorry asses from your property. Then your Hubs needs to plug up the holes where the vermin are entering your sacred abode! The beasts aren’t going anywhere unless they’re “encouraged” to find another humble dwelling place… and what’s a better encouragement than an assault rifle…

  4. I think your first thought about it being squirrels is correct–you need to call ‘critter’ control. That is unless you want to get up in the attic with a shotgun and shoot them. But, you might shoot a hole in your ceiling–that would maybe allow you to get that new carpet!! But, joking aside–squirrels can do an enormous amount of damage–chew through wiring, cause a short and set the house on fire. They most likely found a small space to make larger by chewing and are making themselves at home in your attic. Believe me they can sound like they are as big as a Saint Barnard and they make a great amount of noise. And there are really Critter Control companies–they come out and set up live traps in the attic and then come back and check them each day and if they catch something they take them off somewhere.

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