Julia Child ain’t got Nothin’ on Me


Since Mother Nature has decided that it is now winter, it’s time for comfort food. I think everyone needs my 8 Hour chili recipe. You’re welcome.

Shopping List
Bush’s Chili beans
1 lb ground beef
1 can of Rotel
1 can of tomato sauce
1 Onion
1 packet chili seasoning
Six pack of your favorite beer

Suggested Viewing
Magic Mike
Fried Green Tomatoes
Soylent Green
or whatever movie bangs your shutters

Leave for the grocery store and discover that you are driving on fumes. Stop and get gas and a coffee. Go get a massage and get your hair did. Then when you are good and ready, go to the grocery and buy all the crap I listed above. Haul all these groceries into your house. Leave them on the counter while you watch a movie from the list above to get in the “mood” to cook. Drink two beers while the credits roll and chop an onion. Throw the onion and ground meat in the pot. Brown that shit right up. Drain the grease off and add the packet of seasoning. Open another beer and drink half of it, reserving the rest for later. Add tomato sauce, rotel, and beans to the ground meat. Set heat to high. Drink the reserved beer and open another beer and think about adding it to the sauce. Drink beer instead. Choose another movie and sit your ass back down on the couch. Forget about cooking chili and burn it up. Throw that shit in the trash including the pot. Drink two more beers and order a pizza. Dinner is served.

3swor2

Tiny Cows, Fighting Potatoes and Duct Tape


You will be happy to know that my dinner party went fine. I wore actual clothes, put on make up, didn’t swear and no police were called for any reason. While I was cooking and cleaning yesterday, I had many random thoughts whilst going about my activities. I can’t write all of them down because some are just ridiculous. These are the random thoughts that made the cut.

While cleaning potatoes: Genetically engineer potatoes for violence so that they will mash each other on sight.

Driving to the grocery store for the 9 millionth time to get ingredients that I forgot: You know those campers that have slide out rooms? Slide out fully stocked car bars as an option would be a definite selling feature.

Showering: Stand up bathtubs so you can do flip turns to wash your hair.

While dressing: Explore options to bras that will still hold your boobs up with out elastic. Maybe just strips of duct tape from nipple to shoulder?

Funeral home commercial on TV: Coffins are boring. I prefer to be taken to a taxidermy guy so that I may be enjoyed for many years beyond life. They stuff turkeys and dogs, so why not me? Can they do post-life plastic surgery while they are at it? Find out the answer and cost associated.

While grilling steaks: Tiny cows. I want one. They have minature horses, donkeys and dogs.. why not a cow? I’d like a teacup cow. I’d like a whole damn teacup animal farm. Send letters of inquiry to South Korean mad scientists.

Looking inside my disgusting fridge: Self-cleaning refrigerators. Why did they stop at self-cleaning ovens? Who the fuck uses ovens anyway?

Taking contents of disgusting refrigerator out to the trash can: My garage smells like BO. At least I think it smells like BO. Either I have a homeless bum living under the piles of rubbish or there is a dead body hiding. Have hubs investigate cause I’ll be too busy writing this blog.
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