Adventures in Shopping, Part 1


Since it was raining yesterday and the chances of getting to go lay by a pool and drink beer all day seemed less and less likely, hubs and I decided to do the next best thing: electronics shopping.

Now let me tell you how I actually FEEL about shopping for electronics… I’d rather have a root canal while being crucified and set on fire. Hubs is in charge of TVs and stereos and shit and I’m in charge of computers so when we shop for his crap, I’m bored silly.

The particular item we were bound to spend our children’s college tuition on was a TV. The one in our man cave is about 8 years old and dying of capacitor blockage. I called a friend who knows a guy whose aunt’s cousin knows a shade tree TV doctor. He said our current set is terminal and that we needed to euthanize it and put it out of its misery. Thus the shopping for a new TV ensued.

After determining that the wretches at Costco had closed their store for the holiday, we moved on to a place I hate like fire; Best Buy. Before we get to the adventures of Best Buy though, I have a mystery when I shop anywhere that maybe you Constant Beloved Readers can help me solve.

Whenever I walk INTO a store, the security thing goes off. I can’t figure out why. I’ve dumped my purse out and made sure that a gun with a security tag wasn’t innocently hiding in there… I just don’t get it. So if you can figure out why this happens, I’ll give you a prize. Maybe some glitter from unicorn wings or something.

So back to Best Buy. We walked through the glass doors into Hell. The alarm goes off. I immediately drop to my knees and lock my fingers over my head and scream unnecessarily “it ain’t mine!” After the little old lady manning the door frisked me and determined that I did not have an AK-7 or a stolen shopvac shoved up my vagina, we were allowed to pass into TV Armageddon. Simultaneously, our 10-year-old TV Expert appeared. Hubs explained to him why we were there, “we need a TV” and off we went to exam these technological wonders.

As they blathered on about hertz rates and I wondered why they were talking about rental cars, I spotted a corner that held interest for me – two nice leather recliners facing a TV the size of a semi. The TV was on and obviously had a 3D movie on. I started my way over there to settle in for a while. Just as I was about to plop my ass down, about six kids came running over and stole my seat. God damnit!! Well, those little bastards had found their match in me that day.

Since the snot noses had taken three to a seat and were squirming all over whilst putting on the 3D glasses, I walked over to the TV they intended to watch. I waited until they were all settled in and was pretty sure their little red devil eyes were glazed over. Carefully, as to not draw their attention, I snaked my hand around the back of the TV and unplugged it. The reaction from the snot noses was instant and hilarious. You’d have thought someone ripped their legs off and beat them with the bloody end. Good times.

Meanwhile, hubs had determined that Best Buy did not carry the TV he wanted to look at. We bid the 10-year-old sales boy a fond adieu and moved on the next Paragon of Electronic Hell.

Come back later for part II. I gotta go feed my dogs before they rip the hinges off of the door. It’s like having my own personal pack of hyenas out there.