The Pussification of Halloween


Back in the day, kids were in charge of Halloween. You started driving your parents crazy about your costume at beginning of October and if you were lucky, they might take you to buy a shitty plastic mask and a costume that would burst into flames if they happened to be smoking a cig while they were helping you into said costume. If that trip to the store never materialized, you were destined to dress up as a farmer, a hobo, or a ghost and you were going to fucking LIKE it. I happened to be a third sort of kid and always got busy with the Elmer’s glue, assorted boxes and any other shit I found in the garbage or attic. You also got to wear your costume to school if Halloween was on a school day and didn’t have to worry about “offending” anyone. That was the best part of Halloween; the school day parade of costumes. In 2013, you’d be hard pressed to find a school that lets kids parade around in costumes. If we didn’t have parents picking the stupid costumes out, there wouldn’t be a problem with costumes at school. How the hell could anyone be offended by tiny random princesses, hobos, ghosts or farmers?

Once you had your costume on Halloween night, you hit the mean streets of your town with your pint-sized gang of friends. I can’t ever remember my parents accompanying us once we could walk on our own. After snapping a few kodaks, the ‘rents stayed at home, boozing it up, and handing out their candy, and you went on your merry way getting your candy from your neighbors in your crappy plastic pumpkin.

These days Halloween chaps me off to NO END. Parents buy their kids overpriced Chinese made costumes and chaperone them around the neighborhood by CAR. Are you fucking kidding me?! If I see your douchebag self, driving around my neighborhood dropping off your kid at every house, I’m turning off my damn porch light and I’m gonna throw rocks at your pansy ass kids. No lie… I happened to be at an outdoor local mall a couple of days ago and apparently it was Mall and Treat day. Employees got dressed up like superheros and were handing out candy. It was a beautiful fall day. I counted three cars in my 10-minute excursion driving their kids from store to store. I wanted to slap the shit out of those parents. Wtf is WRONG with you?! Get your fat ass out of that car and walk with your kids if they need to be watched. Letting your three year old jump in and out of your car every twenty feet is so damn lame I just want to yank your reproductive parts off right there in the streets and burn them.

This year, Halloween is cancelled because of the weather. It’s supposed to be windy and stormy. To me that is PERFECT Halloween weather. Put your rain slicker on over your costume and brave the elements…. oh wait, I forgot… it would be dangerous for your parents to drive in this weather. Do we move Christmas or Easter or Yom Kippur if the weather is bad? Hell to the NO. Get out there and trick or treat your ass off. I’m waiting by the door tonight for kids whose parent’s had the good sense to leave them alone to be a kid.

 

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Ok, there is one in every bunch that might be an asshole. I can’t decide if the front
row second from the left kid is a coal miner or in black face.

Today’s Forecast is Troubled


What the hell is wrong with the Today show? Seriously, I think the producers are all doing drugs. I have watched the Today show for YEARS… it has never been what I would call a hard hitting news show but at least they made a damn EFFORT to do some actual reporting on real news in years past.

Here are some of the guests and news stories they had this week:

  • Christy Brinkley on turning 60. First of all, Christy looks FABULOUS. I’m sure she is genetically blessed but she also has a wicked good plastic surgeon. Anyway, she looks great, but she needs to keep her purty little mouth shut. That poor woman doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together. Matt was staring at her and had this look on his face that said, “hey lady, shut up and just show me your tits.”
  • The parade of dummies rolled on with some girl who was the only survivor of a plane crash. All I could think listening to her was it was a real shame that she survived.
  • Some kid named Cody something or other from Australia came on as a musical guest. They were talking about him like he was some sort of rock god. Never heard of him. I was hoping Matt would ask him to say “the dingo ate my baby!” over and over but he let me down in that interview. The kid also talked about his new autobiography that was coming out. What the hell does a 16 year old boy say in an autobiography? Does he tell us about pooping his pants as a baby and his recent onset of wet dreams? Shut up and get the fuck off my tv.
  • The scariest fucking thing I’ve ever scene on tv was up next. They showed a shot of Dick Cheney waiting to be interviewed and I fucking shit. my. pants. Satan’s boss was right there. He looks like he eats babies for breakfast and LIKES it. Ole Dickey was there to talk about his new work of fiction called Heart. Everybody knows he doesn’t have a heart but he was implanted with one at age 71. He’s a fucking Frankenstein. I had to turn the tv off after that before it burst into flames.
  • This morning I turned the show on while I was making coffee and there was Jenna Bush Hagel’s fucking ugly ass hairy FEET on my 55” high definition flat screen tv. Dear Today show producers, I most definitely DO NOT want to see ANYONE’S corns and bunions while I’m having breakfast. What the fuck is WRONG with you people?! Can’t you find more people that should have died in plane crashes to interview?!

In closing, I will say that I am no longer going to watch the MTV version of the Today show. If the sainted Jane Pauley were dead, she’d be rolling over in her grave. I would not be surprised to see a story about how she bought a gun at Walmart and headed over to Studio 3B in 30 Rock and shot all of those idiot producer types. Tom Brokaw would probably be down with that action too. I will be watching the BBC for this news in any case.

Pip pip and Toodles to you all on this brilliant Thursday!

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6th Annual Wayuu Taya Foundation Gala

See? Perfect… her mouth is shut and we can see her knockers.

Top Ten Things I Hate about Fall


10. October

9. Pumpkins, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, any god damn thing that smells of or contains pumpkin

8. Little booger eaters banging on my door wanting candy. Get lost, these are my Snickers, punk. I don’t share.

7. Painted jack-o-lanterns. Don’t be such a pussy, and go ahead and carve that fucker UP.

6. Menacing drunk gangs of turkeys, ducks and chickens roaming the streets vowing to jam something really big up John Madden’s ass

5. Watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and wondering if Charlie Brown grew up, returned to town, and hacked all of those smartasses into tiny little pieces.

4. Extreme resentment towards my mother for the fact I have to cook and eat turkey every. damn. year. for my birthday.

3. Black Friday reminding me how America is so RACIST.

2. The Cornucopia of Death

1. Two words: Lumpy Gravy

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The Secret of the Flying Monkeys


I have a couple of groups of secret facebook friends. One group is moms that all have kids that graduated from high school in 2013. The other group is so secret I can’t even tell you what we have in common or what we discuss or I would have to kill you. Let’s call this second group The Flying Monkeys. Why? Because it’s my fucking blog and I happen to LIKE flying monkeys! My bucket list includes playing a flying monkey in a production of the Wizard of Oz. I’d be that fatass monkey that lumbers across the stage. The audience point and laugh at the waddling grounded monkey because they would know that I ate most of the munchkins and had some Winkies for dessert.

But I digress. Most of the time us Flying Monkey peeps sit around and discuss secret stuff. One of the biggest secrets that we discuss is a secret even to us.

Ya followin. Me? Good.

This secret is a person that has a blog and and posts stuff to another site that we all belong to. My fellow Flying Monkey’s think she knows volumes about the subject we all care about and try to research her and discover her real identity.

Being the slacker that I am, I follow these discussions with much amusement. They have an entire FILE on that facebook page with “sightings” from the internet and a profile with info including her approximate age based on an assumed high school and college graduation years, the state she may be from, and other info gleaned from various sources.  I, of course, came up with my own profile. I think he is a forty year old man who owns a lot of cats and blogs from his mom’s basement in his dirty underwear. In fact, he may be the real Buffalo Bill from the Silence of the Lambs movie. Except I see him as fatter and with a distinct absence of butterflies; maybe flies, but definitely not butterflies.

The whole point is who the hell KNOWS who is behind someone’s identity on the internet? All of my Flying Monkey friends may turn out to be just munchkins wearing costumes. Does it matter? Not really, not to me anyway. As long as there is a friend or just someone who is offering good advice no matter where they learned it under that grey matted fluff, I feel pretty good about them and I’m happy to “know” them. Sometimes believing is just as good as being.

Except if you are a murdering weirdo like Buffalo Bill. That’s just not cool at all.

 

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See? All of Dorothy’s friends wore costumes. They were her friends even though one
was really a dumbass, one was a big pussy and one was missing it’s fucking HEART.
They choose to be friends no matter what.