More Stories of Pussification

What the hell is going on with parents today? I really want to know. Everybody has moments of weakness and gives in to their kid occasionally, but I’m talking about peeps that let their kids run the whole fucking SHOW these days. For the love of the sweet baby Jesus in a manger, the foolishness I see when I am out amongst the populace is remarkable in its depth and breadth of stupidity. Peeps think our country is going to hell in a hand basket because of the republicans. Or the democrats. Or because of global warming, lack of religious conviction, welfare queens, racism, gay rights, all that shit. I submit that it is going to hell because of the Pussification of a Nation. And here is my fucking evidence because this is all scientific and shit.

  1. Stop with the digital crap. Buy your kid a god damn book or some paper and crayons. When I look up from my food at an upscale resturant to see three small boys, barely out of diapers, playing on iPhones, I want to PUKE. Your kids can learn to converse and sit still without iPads and iPhones. The reason that same parent was walking around cutting up the kid’s pancakes instead of eating her hot meal, was because the kids are too busy playing a damn video game at dinner to learn how to use a knife and a fork together. Stop that shit. You are fucking up if you are a parent buying your eight year old an iPhone or iPad for Christmas instead of a Harry Potter book. Just don’t do it.
  2. Listen up… do you have a DVD player in your car for the kids? Do us all a favor and cut the damn thing’s wires. You don’t need that shit unless you are going on a fucking cross-country adventure. Talk to your kids, point shit out, what color is that, what shape is that, play car tag bingo, I Spy, and punch buggy or tell them to READ A DAMN BOOK. Teach ‘em something yourself before bellowing about how crappy the schools and teachers are. You might actually find out that your little nine month gift certificate is quite entertaining if you talk to them about stuff.
  3. Do not leave your damn kids for me to discipline. Seriously, you do not want that action. If you leave me a row of 11-12 year old girls that sit behind me at a basketball game to shriek and act stupid, I’m gonna give them a hard way to go. I raised two girls and they never acted that stupid and insipid because I would have slapped the shit out of them. Those girls spent the whole game leaping around, throwing trash and popcorn, and shrieking at funny cat videos on their… wait for it… IPHONES the entire fucking time. I told them to shut up and watch the game. The hilarious guy that talks smack about opposing players and refs with me at every game, told them to shut up and watch the game too, as did every other adult around. It got bad enough that I had hubs take drastic action. He let a couple of silent killers go. It smelled like a baby diaper that had been sitting out in the sun. The girls all blamed each other while we were cracking up. We figured the lack of oxygen would either make them pass out or leave.
  4. Dumbest shit I’ve heard in awhile… a parent whining that her kid doesn’t like turkey so she doesn’t make turkey for Thanksgiving. Are you shittin’ me, woman?! A five year old is menu planning for you? FUCK THAT. I’d laugh in his face and tell him to eat what I fix or go hungry. What happened to telling your kids about all the starving children in {insert country of choice here}? Oh wait, your little pussy is too busy playing with that iPhone instead of reading a fucking book to learn that there is a whole damn world out there that does not revolve around them.
  5. Get this… the pussification continues on into college with these kids. What do you expect with kids raised by technology, given “participation” trophies for sports, were always told they were the smartest and best, and for the most part have never stumbled or had a hardship? That’s right, they are even bigger pussies when they leave the nest, and mommy and daddy continue to support little Johnny no matter what the little shit is up to at college. They blame Johnny’s drinking not on Johnny, but on the lack of “supervision” at college… are you fucking insane?! Your kid is (mostly) 18 years old and a legal adult for most purposes and you want someone at college to give them a curfew and make sure they don’t get black out drunk every weekend? Um yeah… not the school’s job. These same parents whine and moan about their kid not getting the classes they need to graduate on time and start calling the dean and shit. Guess what? It’s a dog eat dog world out there and if your kid is just figuring that, you can blame your damn self and not the “system”. STFU.

If you just got done reading this and thinking that you might have fallen into the pussification hole (pun intended), there is still time to crawl out and grow a pair. Take that iPad that you bought your eight year old for Christmas back to the store. Buy them some nice books and toys so that their imaginations can run. Stop letting your kids run your damn life and making them the center of the universe. If you read this blog post and think it is “mean” and “harsh” then obviously I’m talking to YOU, you pussy, and it’s probably too late.


Is this a real book? I must investigate…


Mensa and Me

Traveling through airports is a pain in the ass. I mean literally because some of those TSA agents are sorta rough. Anyway, my least favorite part of airline travel is 1) delayed flights and 2) when the air waitresses tell you that you have to turn off your digital devices for take off and landing.

I have a very short attention span. I HATE not being able to use my beloved iPhone. Turning it off feels like I somehow cheated on my best friend by having sex in her bed with her husband, not that has ever happened, Shelly. Consequently, I hate taking off and landing.

You know that shitty magazine the airlines put in the seatback pocket? I grabbed one while landing this last trip after turning off Mister iPhone. I started flipping through 50 damn pages of ads for places like Fiji and Barbados. Those fuckers that write that magazine just like to torture me. They know I have two kids in college and I can’t afford a shitty “beach” on a pond let alone Figi. Assholes. Anyway, I found the puzzle page that was really an ad for Mensa.

Mensa, in case you don’t know, touts itself as an organization of the top two percent of smart people and have members aged “from 2 to 102.” The last time I looked, both two year olds and 102 year olds have one thing in common and it ain’t IQ, it’s crapping in your diaper. How the hell do you test a two year old for IQ? What does a smart two year old look like? Are they writing on paper instead of the wall? Do they actually make square pegs fit into round holes? My dynamic duo at age two were wandering around pointing and grunting like cave men and not doing IQ tests found in the back of airline magazines. They even turned out okay and aren’t drug dealers or living in a trailer cooking meth because they aren’t legit geniuses according to Mensa. Whatevs, since there weren’t any two year olds sitting around me on the plane to take the quiz I found in that back of that airline magazine, I commenced to takin that thar test mahself.

Before I give you the results, I’d like to just put out there that an airplane taking off or landing would be the best place possible for Mensa to get accurate results if they gave the test in person. No access to the internet = no cheating bitches. Instead of air marshals they could have a team of undercover Mensa testers. “Would you like coffee, tea or a Mensa test, ma’am?” Of course that would prolly really reduce the actual number of peeps that would be considered in the top two percent of smarty pants. Let’s face it, without Google, most people would rank in the mentally deficient category.

Here is a picture of the test I took and my awesome answers.


After we landed and I had time to turn my friend, Mister iPhone, back on, I went to look at the answers on the Mensa website. I never got their answers because those assholes think peeps will PAY to see them! Why pay to look at the answers to questions that I NAILED?! Yeah, ummm, no… remember the fact that I have two kids in college? I don’t waste money confirming what I know, and that is that I’m an effing genius. Well, maybe not the math part, but who the fuck cares about math? I don’t. Just throw out the math and the dumb questions that nobody has a fucking clue what they are talking about without cheating, and I got an A+. Not that I give a shit. What would I do, run around signing my checks, TkayW, Mensa Member #356095? Umm… no… that would make me as big an asshole as the peeps that write articles in airline magazines about Fiji. I don’t need validation from anyone, and that makes me and you, Dear Reader, smarter than anybody in Mensa.


To-do List = Screw it

There is a lot of shit I need to do today. I thought it might help me be “organized” and “productive” by making a list.

  1. The hole in my wall that my dog made needs fixed. I’m wondering if I can avoid fixing it right by filling it with unpaid bills and peanut butter.
  2. I found out that those bumpy things that African Americans can do with their hair is called Buntu knots. I want those but as a person of non-color, it is doubtful I can grow AA hair. Wig? Are there wigs like that? Google that for at least four hours.
  3. My loosely defined flower beds need weeded and the bushes trimmed. I hate yard work and there is poison ivy in with the actual ivy. I’m thinking about pouring gasoline on the whole damn thing and starting a new trend called Scorched Earth Gardening. Better call Southern Living and Better Homes and Gardens to book a photo shoot.
  4. Need to put baseboards back on the walls in the basement where I remodeled. I don’t like math or saws and figuring out how to miter the corners. Nevermind… this one is off the list.
  5. My eyebrows need grooming. They are growing all over my face. I saw an infomercial this morning for a home laser system. This sounds both dangerous and interesting. I would use it on the dog first. Rottweilers have eyebrows that I can practice on, and I have two rotties so that is 57 eyebrows. I’ll reiterate, I hate math.
  6. Need to look into changing my name so I’ll know what to do after I rob a bank. I’m thinking of Hugh Jaynus. That name changes my gender too so no one will find me.
  7. I got an email yesterday that my kid had better get on the ball and buy her textbooks for college. The listed books are quite expensive and I’m wondering if my kid can just “share” with some other kid. My kid has an iPhone and she can just take pictures of the pages to read later. It’s more eco-friendly and all that tree hugger bullshit, right?
  8. Laundry needs done. Hubs is wearing my underwear today. I’m not wearing any. I don’t mind going commando but he says his suit pants chaff the free range parts. We can’t have that, now can we?

Hope your to-do list is shorter today. I’m off to look at the shit that needs done and then go to the movies. Hey, at least I thought about doing productive stuff today. It’s a start.


This is the hole my dog created by making the blinds swing into the wall because a vicious jogger was in the street outside.

image_2 image_1

My planter with weeds and I think the other picture is marijuana in my flower bed. God, I hope so. I think I’ll leave it alone to see if there might be something to roll up and smoke later.


The next time you see a picture of this dog, he will look like he got drunk at a party and someone creative shaved his eyebrow. There might be burn marks too. Then again, he might eat the laser thing before I get into the room with it.