9. Pumpkins, pumpkin lattes, pumpkin pie, any god damn thing that smells of or contains pumpkin
8. Little booger eaters banging on my door wanting candy. Get lost, these are my Snickers, punk. I don’t share.
7. Painted jack-o-lanterns. Don’t be such a pussy, and go ahead and carve that fucker UP.
6. Menacing drunk gangs of turkeys, ducks and chickens roaming the streets vowing to jam something really big up John Madden’s ass
5. Watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and wondering if Charlie Brown grew up, returned to town, and hacked all of those smartasses into tiny little pieces.
4. Extreme resentment towards my mother for the fact I have to cook and eat turkey every. damn. year. for my birthday.
3. Black Friday reminding me how America is so RACIST.
2. The Cornucopia of Death
1. Two words: Lumpy Gravy