Watching Porn with Granny


I had an interesting weekend and saw some things that I thought you might need to read about on Monday morning. Screw the newspaper. It sucks.

  • A Mexican guy cooked my Japanese hibachi meal on Saturday. There were lots of authentic Japanese peeps running around but they weren’t doing the cooking. I wondered if the Mexican guys had been kidnapped from the El Foodo restaurant next door. Seemed suspicious to me. It was also very strange that one of the few beer choices at the Japanese hibachi place was Corona. Hmmm…
  • Went to the movies on Friday and saw the To Do List. If you will remember, my Thursday post was a to do list… Coincidence? I think not. Anyway the movie was lame and awkward. It’s about a girl that sets out to do all sorts of sexual deeds before she goes to college. I have girls that are going to college in a few short weeks. I really didn’t need to see that shit. My disappointment in choosing this movie caused me to eat the entire large popcorn and bucket of diet coke. The even weirder part was that there weren’t many people in the movie and what ones were, were old ladies. I mean nursing home, iron lung, turn up your hearing aide, hover-around riding old ladies. The To Do list is raunchy. It was like watching porn with your granny. I wanted to go put my hands over their wrinkly eyes. Very disconcerting to say the least.
  • I have a friend that had a cochlear implant put in this last week. I’m glad she got it because I’ve exhausted my store of Helen Keller and various other jokes about being deaf. I’m also tired of typing in all caps so that she can “hear” me when we PM. I ask her everyday to try and find the magnet in her head by sticking metal objects on her skull. She wanted to start with a paper clip. I suggested a tuna can. Neither stuck. I think she might have gotten ripped off by her doctor and he just drilled a hole in her head to fuck with her. If that implant doesn’t work, he is gonna find a tuna can someplace really uncomfortable and it won’t be in his head.
  • I thought Shakey was dead on Friday. He was lying on the welcome door mat outside. He was very still for several minutes. Then he flapped his ear and I had to go back to just wishing he would go away and play with Mr. Owl and/or Mr. Snake.
  • Some dumbass that lives around here obviously thinks it’s 1860 are we are in the wild, wild west. They started shooting guns around 10 am. Every now and then you’d hear a big boom like he has a rocket launcher or something. My dogs wouldn’t shut up and I couldn’t put them outside for fear a stray bullet would find it’s way into my yard. I called the cops. They told me that they had already been out and that the people were shooting “in a safe manner.” I felt so much better after I learned that! Gee wilikers, thanks, Barney Fife! I’m sure that the crazy guys who shot up movie houses and gunned down school kids were also operating their military grade weapons in a “safe manner”. Safety only counts for the shooter.. that’s cool.
  • Remember my weedy flower beds? I weeded some yesterday. I googled marijuana leaf to see if I was growing some. Nope. I also googled poison ivy. I am growing that. It’s a good thing that I googled it and didn’t try to smoke the poison ivy. That might have had a really messy outcome.

Hope your Monday goes by swiftly and painlessly. As for me, I’m headed out to trim the bushes and try not to cut off a finger. I’m also going to go to our one local Mexican restaurant for lunch and investigate whether or not they have an Japanese guy wearing a sombrero and cooking fajitas back in the kitchen. I will report back with my findings.

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Not dead yet. Just sleeping

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Julio-San, the Japanese Hibachi Cook.

To-do List = Screw it


There is a lot of shit I need to do today. I thought it might help me be “organized” and “productive” by making a list.

  1. The hole in my wall that my dog made needs fixed. I’m wondering if I can avoid fixing it right by filling it with unpaid bills and peanut butter.
  2. I found out that those bumpy things that African Americans can do with their hair is called Buntu knots. I want those but as a person of non-color, it is doubtful I can grow AA hair. Wig? Are there wigs like that? Google that for at least four hours.
  3. My loosely defined flower beds need weeded and the bushes trimmed. I hate yard work and there is poison ivy in with the actual ivy. I’m thinking about pouring gasoline on the whole damn thing and starting a new trend called Scorched Earth Gardening. Better call Southern Living and Better Homes and Gardens to book a photo shoot.
  4. Need to put baseboards back on the walls in the basement where I remodeled. I don’t like math or saws and figuring out how to miter the corners. Nevermind… this one is off the list.
  5. My eyebrows need grooming. They are growing all over my face. I saw an infomercial this morning for a home laser system. This sounds both dangerous and interesting. I would use it on the dog first. Rottweilers have eyebrows that I can practice on, and I have two rotties so that is 57 eyebrows. I’ll reiterate, I hate math.
  6. Need to look into changing my name so I’ll know what to do after I rob a bank. I’m thinking of Hugh Jaynus. That name changes my gender too so no one will find me.
  7. I got an email yesterday that my kid had better get on the ball and buy her textbooks for college. The listed books are quite expensive and I’m wondering if my kid can just “share” with some other kid. My kid has an iPhone and she can just take pictures of the pages to read later. It’s more eco-friendly and all that tree hugger bullshit, right?
  8. Laundry needs done. Hubs is wearing my underwear today. I’m not wearing any. I don’t mind going commando but he says his suit pants chaff the free range parts. We can’t have that, now can we?

Hope your to-do list is shorter today. I’m off to look at the shit that needs done and then go to the movies. Hey, at least I thought about doing productive stuff today. It’s a start.

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This is the hole my dog created by making the blinds swing into the wall because a vicious jogger was in the street outside.

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My planter with weeds and I think the other picture is marijuana in my flower bed. God, I hope so. I think I’ll leave it alone to see if there might be something to roll up and smoke later.

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The next time you see a picture of this dog, he will look like he got drunk at a party and someone creative shaved his eyebrow. There might be burn marks too. Then again, he might eat the laser thing before I get into the room with it.