The Beast in my Walls

Whatever the hell is living in the walls of my house is back from vacation.

I’ve heard his long, sharp talons above my head the last two nights. It’s like Freddy Krueger because every time I start to fall asleep, he starts up with the racket. I know it’s not just me and that I’ve somehow developed some auditory hallucinations because I belted Hubs awake to hear it too.

People have told me it probably squirrels. That’s total bullshit unless it’s a really smart squirrel that has an army equipped with jackhammers. I’m telling you, friends and neighbors, it’s loud and it’s proud.

Last night that fucker started up his noise around 11:30. This time I was by god Boy Scout prepared. I jammed my slippers on my feet, grabbed the flashlight, and ran outside to see if I could catch the little beady-eyed fucker on my roof or something. All I got for my pre-midnight dash was wet slippers. No sign of him. By the noise he makes I’d think there was a 12 ft hole in my siding, but no… he’s like a ghost. He appears and disappears. He could at least man up and stay and fight.

So I went back inside and listened some more. It sounded like the fucking varmit Olympics up there. I went to get the sledgehammer to fix my little problem, but hubs objected. Leave it to him to be all rational and shit. I climbed back in the bed and listened to that varmint for a while more and decided that it couldn’t be a rodent, because it was too loud. I came up with a list of possible offenders:

  • Baby Sasquatch
  • Enormous Raccoon
  • Mutant Possum
  • Mountain Lion
  • Mike Tyson

I’m going with mountain lion because if I have to have an invader, I think a mountain lion would be a worthy opponent. The noises seem on target from my extensive two minute research on mountain lions. Besides, I think Mike Tyson is in prison somewhere and Sasquatch lives in the northwest, or they would be serious contenders.

I think I’d better figure out which beast it is up there before my ceiling caves in… is that covered by insurance? If it is, that bastard can chew away. I need new carpet.


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