Today’s Forecast is Troubled


What the hell is wrong with the Today show? Seriously, I think the producers are all doing drugs. I have watched the Today show for YEARS… it has never been what I would call a hard hitting news show but at least they made a damn EFFORT to do some actual reporting on real news in years past.

Here are some of the guests and news stories they had this week:

  • Christy Brinkley on turning 60. First of all, Christy looks FABULOUS. I’m sure she is genetically blessed but she also has a wicked good plastic surgeon. Anyway, she looks great, but she needs to keep her purty little mouth shut. That poor woman doesn’t have two brain cells to rub together. Matt was staring at her and had this look on his face that said, “hey lady, shut up and just show me your tits.”
  • The parade of dummies rolled on with some girl who was the only survivor of a plane crash. All I could think listening to her was it was a real shame that she survived.
  • Some kid named Cody something or other from Australia came on as a musical guest. They were talking about him like he was some sort of rock god. Never heard of him. I was hoping Matt would ask him to say “the dingo ate my baby!” over and over but he let me down in that interview. The kid also talked about his new autobiography that was coming out. What the hell does a 16 year old boy say in an autobiography? Does he tell us about pooping his pants as a baby and his recent onset of wet dreams? Shut up and get the fuck off my tv.
  • The scariest fucking thing I’ve ever scene on tv was up next. They showed a shot of Dick Cheney waiting to be interviewed and I fucking shit. my. pants. Satan’s boss was right there. He looks like he eats babies for breakfast and LIKES it. Ole Dickey was there to talk about his new work of fiction called Heart. Everybody knows he doesn’t have a heart but he was implanted with one at age 71. He’s a fucking Frankenstein. I had to turn the tv off after that before it burst into flames.
  • This morning I turned the show on while I was making coffee and there was Jenna Bush Hagel’s fucking ugly ass hairy FEET on my 55” high definition flat screen tv. Dear Today show producers, I most definitely DO NOT want to see ANYONE’S corns and bunions while I’m having breakfast. What the fuck is WRONG with you people?! Can’t you find more people that should have died in plane crashes to interview?!

In closing, I will say that I am no longer going to watch the MTV version of the Today show. If the sainted Jane Pauley were dead, she’d be rolling over in her grave. I would not be surprised to see a story about how she bought a gun at Walmart and headed over to Studio 3B in 30 Rock and shot all of those idiot producer types. Tom Brokaw would probably be down with that action too. I will be watching the BBC for this news in any case.

Pip pip and Toodles to you all on this brilliant Thursday!

The-Today-Show-Logo3

6th Annual Wayuu Taya Foundation Gala

See? Perfect… her mouth is shut and we can see her knockers.

I Like it Hot and Black


I had a pretty god damn exciting weekend. Friday afternoon, I went to this gigantic art fair and saw lots of cool shit. I was thankful that most of the art was really art and not that craft crap like crocheted toilet paper coozies or shitty reindeer made out of a log and some sticks. That shit is what I use for kindling for my fireplace in the winter. Anyway, there was a nice assortment of peeps that can actually paint, throw a pot, photograph or etch. I didn’t buy too much because those bastards in congress are STILL dicking around with my hubs lively hood.

My desire to burn shit up continued when some woman had the GALL to try and hand me a political flyer for a fucking tea bagger that is running against Mitch “I Look Like an Uncircumcised Penis” McConnell. I looked at her and said, “Lady, you gotta be shittin me!’. What I should have done is taken that damn flyer, flicked my bic, and set that flyer aflame. I always think of stuff too late. Damn it.

Saturday, me and hubs traveled up the road to Twin A’s college for Parent Weekend. Since we are far too busy and such slacker parents, we shortened the Weekend to one damn day. Of course that ONE DAMN DAY turned out be as hot as the surface of the mother fucking SUN. We hiked about 15 miles to the other side of campus to watch their terrible football team get their asses handed to them. Because it wasn’t miserable enough just being HOT, it decided to storm. Everybody hustled under the stands of course, and it started to get steamy and smelled worse than John Boehner’s undershorts. We decided that action wasn’t so fun and headed out to find cold beers and a bar to watch football on tv which we should have done in the first place. We extinguished our wretched hotness with some cold beers and life was again on an upswing.

Sunday brought more damn rain but we went over to a friend’s house for burgers. That’s good because I didn’t feel like cooking anyway. These friends are expecting their first baby. I’m happy for them, but sure am glad to be at the other end of parenting. That allows me the luxury to laugh at them and offer my expert advice. I told the mom-to-be to not bother with most of that shit they try to sell you for babies. Get a god damn cardboard box and a towel and there’s your damn crib. Don’t let that kid expect too much from you from the very beginning. It’s easier that way. You’re welcome.

Sunday night was the damn BOMB. Hubs scored us some tickets to go see Lewis Black, who I adore. At the beginning of the show, the warm up guy told us to tweet questions or whatever to Lewis Black and he would read some at the end of the show. Of course I started thinking about what Mr. Black would find humorous to read in front of a million people. I narrowed it down to fart jokes about Rand Paul or my current situation, which was struggling not to totally LOSE MY SHIT because the seat rows were about six damn inches apart. Here is the ACTUAL TWEET:

 

BlackTweet

 

Well, my new bestie, Lewis, must have recognized my comedic genius immediately, because he READ IT ON STAGE. Then he keep on and on about small spaces like airplanes and dressing rooms that are like crack dens. I peed myself a little cracking up at my ownself, and for the fact that someone besides me thinks I’m funny. I even waited in line for Lewis to autograph my program and to tell him that I’m available for hire. He hasn’t called me yet, but I think he’s a pretty busy guy. I’ll let you guys know when Hollywood calls.

 

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Stupid Sh*t in my Newspaper


I’m not sure why bloggers use asterisks to camouflage swear words in their headlines but I’m new to the blogosphere so I’ll asterisk my headline like my brothahs and sistahs. There won’t be any more damn asterisks in my fucking post though. Hahaha… potty mouth.

I sat down to have my morning cawfee at the kitchen table. I spread out the local paper to see what the hell was going on in the world. I was amused, disgusted and annoyed at the entire section A, so I’m going to share with you the articles that aroused such intense feelings in me. Speaking of being aroused..

Wiener

Why in the hell does this guy think EVERYONE wants to see his penis? He takes more pictures of that thing than most people take of their children. I mean it’s like whatever, it’s a penis. Fifty percent of the population has one, so why do you think yours is more photogenic than everyone elses? Did Wiener just never get over that whole I’ll-show-you-mine-if-you-show-me-yours thing? Actually, he doesn’t really seem to care about seeing your lady bits, just that you see his one eyed zipper worm. That makes him a perv in my book. Why would people even consider him for any public office? You elect his sorry ass and be prepared for him to start putting ink on his balls and slapping them on the paper as his signature. What a creep. His dumb ass wife needs to be slapped too. What’s up with that, lady? You should have gone all Lorena Bobbit on him a long time ago. You gotta raise your man up right (boner pun, hahaha)

The next thing in the paper that caught my eye also has a penis. Everybody say awwww together now.

Baby

A note to my friends Kate and Wills… Uncle Harry is going to be a FUN uncle. Make sure that Uncle Harry is a fun SUPERVISED uncle in the future. No trips to Vegas or Thailand or else we will be seeing Baby Cambridge’s wanker all over the news too.

Our Dicks in the News kept getting bigger and bigger. Next up; religious right wing nutters and science.

Science

This looks tantalizing, doesn’t it? Upon further reading this was by far the funniest article in the newspaper. The comic strip was a bore compared to this. The state wants to update k-12 science standards to help get them in line by working with 25 other states to develop common areas of study. Sounds reasonable, right? No no no no…. the religious nutters came out in force to a committee hearing claiming the new proposed standards are “atheistic and fascist”. First of all, these bible thumpers don’t know the definition of fascist or socialist or any of those science-y words. These dummies just scream words that the crackhead Rush Limpboner told them are bad without knowing what in the hell they are talking about. Here is my favorite quote from the article:

Science1

Huh? Here you are at an open hearing on public school curriculum and you’re talking about socialism and throwing in genocide and murder? Are you on crack, lady?

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Next, our intrepid friend, Matt Singleton, a Baptist preacher, dove deep into the well of evolution teachings and came up with drug abuse, suicide and other social afflictions (read gay right there cuz I’m certain that’s where he was going with it). Holy Mother of T-Rex.

CalThomas

The last and greatest Dickhead of the Day is the conservative and perpetually wrong columnist, Cal Thomas. Just seeing his smarmy face in my paper pisses me off. I get back at him by cutting out his articles and using them to wipe my ass with. Today, he decided to give our black president a what-for about racism, which ole whitey Cal has personally NEVER experienced. He suggests that the president has never experienced racism either and that even old black ladies are sick of young black men wearing hoodies and acting rude. By his anecdotal reasoning, all young black men that act like idiots and have saggy pants are black trash because he read some stupid fairy tale. How the hell does he get rich by spouting this garage? I spout garbage every damn day and I’m not rich…

I guess all my problems are because I don’t have a penis and I’m not crazy. That’s ok, I’ll take being poor, socialist with a vagina over crazy any day.